When you were asleep
by TootsieThecat
Summary: When happy memories become sad and YouTube channels become vacant and when eyes become bruised. Phil gets into a car crash and goes into a coma for a year. This is Dan dealing with Phil's dumb boyfriend Alex, living without Phil, and basically coping with Phil being gone. T for violence, language, and some sexual themes. WARNING: MAY BE TRIGGERING.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: Swearing, Some triggering content such as depression, coma, car crash, cutting, crying, goodbye, M/M pairing (Which really shouldn't be a bloody warning... LET MY PEOPLE GAY, I SAY!), and a hospital.**

Phillip Michael Lester. It was a name you couldn't forget. Or at least, Dan couldn't. Everyday went by with 'Phil would like that.' and 'That reminds me of a shirt Phil owns.' and 'Phil would think that was funny.' A never ending thought of Phillip Michael Lester, and thats how Daniel James Howell lived. Falling in love with his best friend.  
His best friend, who had a boyfriend.  
Now, Dan would never try to get in between Phil and Alex. Never in a million years, that would be childish. He was happy that Phil was happy, but he was unhappy that it wasn't with him. But Dan dealt with the 3 AM talks about Phil's relationship when Phil was feeling insecure. Or the awkward movie sessions when Phil would sit in Alex's lap. Or helping Phil choose an outfit to wear on his date. No matter what, Dan would always be there for Phil. Unconditionally.  
And that rule didn't change that one sad and tragic day.

It was sunny and beautiful, and everything seemed perfect and fine. The air was clean, the temperature wasn't too hot and wasn't too cold, and everything was the way it should be. Dan was playing DDR, and Phil was filming.  
"Dan? I need to go to the shop to get a wig for my video. Ours ripped." Phil called from the living room.  
"Bye!" Dan barely looked up from his game at his roommates voice. He was in the middle of the only excersize he ever got, and really wanted to finish quickly, as his lungs felt they were going to burst.  
Phil left the apartment and hailed a cab. He distractedly got into the cab and stated "Tescos." to the driver, then stared out the window.  
As they were driving down the highway, and stopped at an intersection, Phil heard the commotion. A lot of honking, and a car coming straight for the cab he was in.  
There wasn't much time to think. Places, memories, people flashed through his mind. A mix of fear, sadness, and excitement ran through his bones. He simutaneously didn't know what was happening at all, and knew excactly what was happening. His mind went into turmiol in those three seconds.  
YouTube, mum and dad, Martyn, Pj, Chris, Grandma, Dan-  
And it all started with a big bang and a broken cab.

The worst part wasn't getting the phone call.  
The worst part wasn't hearing your bestfriend is in the hostpital, and he probably won't make it.  
The worst part wasn't being told he'll have permanent scars on his back, arms, and legs.  
The worst part wasn't rushing to the hospital and worrying the entire way that he might die before you get there.  
The worst part wasn't walking into the hospital and being told he slipped into a coma, and wouldn't wake for a long time.  
The worst part wasn't walking into the room and seeing him lying there, cold and pale.  
The worst part was knowing you still love him.  
And knowing he doesn't.

Dan was numb. Numb everywhere, except his head. His face was nuetral, he didn't smile back at strangers, he didn't talk to anyone except nessisary, he didn't make any videos, he didn't play any games. He just sat at home, and left the house only for food. His apartment was quiet, and dark. There was dust on the shelves and tables, and the living room was dark. The only place that seemed like it had been lived in the past week was Dan's bedroom. Where he had been spending his life for the past six months.  
Six months of coma-Phil.  
Six months of lonliness.  
Every week Dan would visit Phil. He would just sit at his bedside and talk and talk and talk, like he would normally talk. He talked about animals, and games, and other YouTubers, and comments, and music, just imaginining Phil was listening. But he wasn't. Phil was in a coma.  
Dan wouldn't call what he was in 'denial'. He was more attempting to not care, by not subjecting himself to anything, he could keep his feelings numb and dead.  
He only cried at night. Every night, in his bed, he cried himself to sleep.  
And those were the only times he cried. Other than that, he bottled himself up, and refused to noticed how much slower the cereal went or how much colder the house was since Phil never turned up the heat, or how much more sad Dan was.  
When Dan opened the door to the hospital room and saw Alex, he got angry more than anything. Dan had always come on Wednesdays, and had only ever come at the same time as Phil's parents or sometimes grandma. And they would always smile at him and let him sit with them. But this was different. Who the hell did Alex think he was anyway?! Honestly, the asshole thinks he can just come and see Phil like that.  
Then Dan became more reasonable and remembered that Alex was Phil's boyfriend before the accident and that they were together and Dan shouldn't get so jealous.  
"Hi, Alex. Fancy meeting you here." Dan strolled in and grinned at the boy, who smiled back sadly. He really was attractive, dammit.  
"Hey Dan. Sorry, I didn't know you'd come today..."  
"I always come on Wednesdays, you know, just because." Dan had to try extremely hard to keep his voice steady.  
"It'd be me and Phil's one year today." Alex muttered, looking back to the sleeping boy. "I usually come on Mondays, but today was special."  
Dan nodded and watched Phil too. Still unresponsive and dead-looking as ever.  
"I was going to ask him to move in with me the day of the accident." Alex said.  
Move in?! What the fuck was this guy playing at?! He had been dating Phil six months when it happened, why the hell would Phil 'move in'. Plus, Phil already had an apartment. With Dan.  
"O-oh. Well, I mean. Six months..." Dan muttered, fuming.  
"What?"  
"Well, I mean, you've only been dating six months."  
"A year."  
"He's been asleep, though. And you said the day of the accident, which would be six months."  
"That's enough to know I love him."  
Dan raised his eyebrows. "Yeah but was the feeling mutual?"  
Alex glared at Dan. "Well what the fuck is that supposed to mean?!"  
"Did he ever tell you he loved you back?"  
Alex looked murderous. "W-what? Are you- I don't need this! I love him, okay pretty boy? That's how it is, and you can't change that. You don't know what Phil feels."  
Dan gave him an amused look. "You're right, I don't. But I know one thing about Phil, and its that it takes him a long time to fall in love. And I also know how Phil acts when he is in love, and it's not how he acts around you. As long as I've known Phil, he's had three boyfriends. You, Charlie, and Arnie. You're you, and he really likes you. Not loves, but likes. Charlie was an abusive asshole that he ran away from after he hit him. And Arnie was the one who I saw Phil fall in love with. He had known him for three years before they started dating, and when I met Phil they had been dating a year. Three whole years later, and Phil told me he loved Arnie. Four years, Alex. Not six months."  
Alex was in Dan's face now. And if looks could kill, Dan would be dead.  
"Listen here, smartass. I know you've got the hots for Phil. I can tell, you can tell, heck, everyone can tell. No matter how many stupid stories you tell me, you're never gonna fuck Phil. Phil loves me, I know he does."  
"How can you? He's asleep, see."  
And that was how Dan Howell achieved a black eye in the hospital.

 **-Tootsie**


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: Swearing, Some triggering content such as depression, coma, car crash, cutting, crying, goodbye, M/M pairing (Which really shouldn't be a bloody warning... LET MY PEOPLE GAY, I SAY!), and a hospital.**

It had been nine months since Phil went to sleep. Nine months ago a car hit his cab. And today was the day a new Phil is not on fire was due.  
It was Thursday when Dan visited Phil. It was rainy, and gloomy, and six years ago today, they had met at the train station.  
"Hey, Phil." Dan said awkwardly, sitting by his hospital bed. "H-how are you? I'm pretty bad. It's starting to get really lonely. Our apartment is all dusty. Turns out I can't be an adult without you." Dan laughed dryly. "So it's our anniversary. Usually we have pancakes in the morning. I didn't, though. I didn't eat anything. I wasn't that hungry. I never really am, you know. Since..."  
"It's been nine months, Phil. When are you going to let it up? Just drop it, man. Its getting old. Aren't you tired of sleeping yet? I mean, it'd get pretty boring to me... Unless you're having really amazing dreams or something. About lions and space and all that Phil stuff. I'll bet you're in your dream world, this huge and colorful place with kittens and your really hot boyfriend... Am I there? You'd be there for me, at least. I'd probably be too black and white for your rainbow world. You're probably not dreaming, though. Maybe you can hear everything I'm saying. Did you hear Alex punch me in the face? He called me and apologized after, though. I did too, I was kinda an asshole. But I was just angry that he was pretending to know you, when he really didn't."  
"I guess I was jealous too. I mean, you're really great and amazing like that. I just wish I'd told you before how much I actually liked you. Sure, I called you my best friend and I told you when you did great things. But was it really enough? It never justified how I felt about you. The way my stomach bubbled up when you laughed or how long I'd stare until you'd notice or how happy I felt when you were happy too. I sound like a John green book, don't I? But this is like a John Green book. Boy falls in love with boy, boy gets hit by truck and goes into coma, boy cries over boy. I've been crying a lot, Phil. I'm exaughsted, I can't sleep, I'm never hungry. I haven't even updated my YouTube in nine months. Or twitter, or instagram, or tumblr. I'm so pathetc without you here, aren't I?"  
"I guess that's what happens when you fall in love. I really hope you can't hear me. I love you, Phil. Honestly, who wouldn't. But I know how it is. I know about Alex, and I know what I am to you. My entire life is one, big, tragic fairytale. And I'm the dullest character out there. I'm a mess, I'm a jealous, lathargic, needy, boring asshole who doesn't deserve you in my life at all, as boyfriend or best friend. I just need you to be okay, Phil. I just need to know you're okay."  
Dan sat silently, watching the boy sleep. He looked dead, except for the rising and falling of his chest. He looked lifeless and cold and dead.  
But Dan knew he wasn't, no matter how much it felt like it. He didn't know which would be better, the rollercoaster of waking up each morning and wondering if Phil died in the night, or waking up each morning and knowing Phil was gone forever.  
Dan had tried to be positive, really he had. But it was hard to be positive about anything anymore. He felt like he had back in 2009, before he had ever known Phil. Before Phil went into a coma, Dan had been four years clean.  
That changed two months in.  
The scars on Dan's wrists had been refreshed almost daily, becoming more ragged and deeper within each month. He was slowly becoming insane. All the character development he had acheived over the last six years was slipping away in a matter of months. He hated himself once more. He started drinking again. All because of that goddamned car crash nine months ago. All because the world had taken his sunshine away.

He needed to film a video.  
Not a happy, go lucky video. But something for Phil is not on fire. For Phil.  
He just wanted to talk. Talk and talk and talk about what had happened. Which the fans knew very little about.  
He didn't even want to edit it. He wanted it to go as quick as possible, and then continue not uploading.  
"Hello, internet. I -uhm. I've been neglecting you, haven't I? I'm sorry, I couldn't ever really get inspired for a video of any sorts. W-we're supposed to be putting up a new PINOF by now, but as you know thats kind of impossible..."  
"I guess I'm just here to let it out. I'm sick of this shit, I'm sick of keeping this dumb secret I've had forever. I'm sick of being a box with a key."  
"I'm broken and I'm fucking exaughsted. I hardly eat and I get drunk at least twice a week now. Before the incident, I was four years clean. Now I butcher my wrists almost every night. I'm fucking sick of being sad, it's tiring. I'm tired of knowing and thinking of all the things I could've told him before this dumb shit happened. I'm tired of being reminded every day what a worthless shit I am. I can't do anything right. I messed up with Uni, I messed up with a career for the longest time, and now I've messed up with Phil. Nobody knows anything about me, I've now realized. And I'm fucking sick of it." Dan took a deep breath.  
"I fell in love with Phil. And he didn't know. I never told him how much of an impact he had on my life, how big of a mess I would become without him. I'm a fucking knob, I should have told him everything. But I was too scared, I was too wimpy to do anything right. And now, here I am. Broken and messed up without a fucking purpose anymore."  
"The point of this video is to tell people when you love them because the universe is cruel and shit. And the only reason I never told him was because I'm fucking shit and he's fucking great. And now I feel like a huge fucking liar, and a huge fucking fake. And I'm done, I guess. Thats all I had to say. I'm sorry for the tears, and I'm sorry for my swearing. And I'm sorry, Phil, for being such a wimp."  
And the video cut out.

 **Thanks for reading. Leave reviews and stuff with opinions so I know how to improve my writing style.**

 **-Why am I reading this shit**  
 **-I love pie**  
 **-What class is this**  
 **And exetera!**

 **-Tootsie**


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: Swearing, Some triggering content such as depression, coma, car crash, cutting, crying, goodbye, M/M pairing (Which really shouldn't be a bloody warning... LET MY PEOPLE GAY, I SAY!), and a hospital.\**

After his awfully depressing video Dan had uplaoded, the phandom was a wreck. Everyone was either worried about Phil, worried about Dan, or both. There were hashtags trending, reposts going wild, and even #CutforDan trending or a while, until luckily Tyler Oakley quickly put it to a stop. Everything seemed like it was going downhill, because it was. Dan hadn't come out of his room for a long time, just drinking and cutting and crying and being numb. He had nothing else to do. Whenever he tried to do anything, everything around him would remind him of Phil. It had been like that before, but now it was a terrible memory rather than good. Louise called him almost every day, inviting him out. She called so much to the point where Dan just stopped answering. Cat texted him quite a bit too, but his answers were vague and sloppy. Chris and Pj had made an attempt, but eventually just realized he needed to be left alone.

...

Dan knew something was wrong when his mum called.  
I mean, it wasn't as if he and his mum had a bad relationship, or had anything against each other, they were just very different and never really connected. Dan was free-going, procrastinating, never lanned ahead, and bisexual while Mrs. Howell was planning, strict, and slightly homophobic.  
So when his mum called, which she hardly ever did, he knew he had hit rock bottom.  
"Hello?"  
"Yes, hello Daniel." answered the familiar sharp voice.  
"Mum, whats up?"  
"Nothing is 'up' Daniel. I was told you needed to talk."  
Dan internally groaned. Who had called his mum?!  
Louise. It was definitely Louise.  
"I'm fine, mum. Honestly." Dan answered vaguely.  
"Daniel, I would not describe you as 'fine'. Your aquantance had told me you hadn't left your room in a year. That's extremely unhealthy." There she went, Dan was getting yet another lecture.  
"I haven't any motivation, mum. Besides, its nothing to worry about."  
"Is it about that Phil boy? Honestly you can find a different roomate."  
"Mum! No, no I can't! It's not that I need a new roomate or new friend or something like that Mum! I-It's Phil..." Dan stopped and focused on keeping his voice steady. "Mum, you wouldn't understand. You and Dad married as friends, you never really loved each other. And don't deny it either. You're not one for making connections and friends, Mum. Phil was-" Dan broke off, wiping away his tears. He couldn't cry in front of his mum, he knew she wouldn't stand for that. Whenever he cried when he was younger she'd make him sit on the front step. Not out of hate, but to toughen him up. It had worked mostly, except now.  
"You love him, don't you Daniel..?" His Mum said quietly.  
"What?"  
"I can tell. I don't understand, and I'm sorry for that. I honestly don't know why that girl called me but please listen. You need to get up, and get going. If this had happened to you, what would you want Phil to do?"  
"I'd want him to move on and-..." Dan stopped and realized his mum was right. Phil would hate to see him like this. All torn up and beaten down. He wouldn't be able to stand to see Phil like this. "You're right, Mum." Dan said slowly. "I-I'm gonna make a video. Thank you."  
And with that, Dan's mum had hung up, and Dan sat in front of a camera, and talked like he would normally.

Soon, the Phil is Not on Fire video Dan had put up earlier was deleted. His channel was being updated bi-weekly, and he had gone out with Chris and Pj four times in the last six months. Which made everyone happy. He even had breakfast with Louise every morning, which they both thouroughly enjoyed. Dan's life was picking up.  
Until that phone call.

 **-Tootsie**


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning: Swearing, Some triggering content such as depression, coma, car crash, cutting, crying, goodbye, M/M pairing (Which really shouldn't be a bloody warning... LET MY PEOPLE GAY, I SAY!), and a hospital.**

He was sitting in that little bakery down the street with Louise, trying his very hardest not to think of Phil, not to think of anything but happy thoughts. Which was working lately, he would remain positive.  
"So, Dan. How are you holding up?" Louise had been a huge help in Dan's recovery. She took him out to get new clothes and she cleaned up his apartment with him and even dusted Phil's room for him, so he didn't have to.  
"I'm fine. It's getting easier to not think about him all the time. Mostly because it's been a year and a half, but it's hardest at night."  
Louise nodded. "I get it. I know it's not the same, but when I divorced Matt I almost always thought about him at night. The only reason I didn't go into isolation was because of Darcy. And your YouTube channel is going great too! Five million yesterday!"  
Dan grinned. "Yeah, it's great honestly. I didn't really expect my new segment to blow up so big. But it did, everyone seemed to love it."  
"It's really funny, Dan! You shouldn't doubt yourself." Lousie smiled and poured them both coffee. "Are you going to make it to VidCon?"  
Dan shrugged. "I-I dunno. It's a big thing, I've never been to VidCon without him... And I'd be worried that he'd wake up while I was there. But I know it'd be a huge diappointment for the fans if I didn't."  
"Just do whatever makes you comfortable, sweetie. I'm sure the-" Lousie was cut off when Dan's phone started to ring.  
"Sorry, just a moment." Dan picked up his phone. "Hello?"  
"Hi, is this Dan Howell?"  
"Yes, who's this?"  
"This is St. Mercy's hospital, you were listed as one of the contacts to call when Phillip Lester woke up. We need you to come to the hospital straight away, sir."  
Dan froze. Was he dreaming? Was this really happening? It was all so surreal. To be honest, Dan hadn't expected Phil to wake up, he had expected him to slip off while he was asleep, or just sleep forever. But this was completely unexpected.  
"Dan?" Louise tilted her head. "Are you okay?"  
"Sir? Are you still there?"  
"Y-yeah I'm still here. I'm on my way..." Dan stood up. "L-Louise I have to go" Dan grabbed his jacket and practically sprinted across the bakery.  
"Dan! Who the hell was that?!" Louise shouted after him, standing as well.  
"The hospital! Phil's back!" And with that, he ran out the door.  
He hailed a cab as quickly as possible and told him to drive as fast as he could to St. Mercy's.  
"Sir? Sir, are you there?"  
"Yes, I'm here. I'm on my way."  
"Good. When Mr. Lester woke he asked for you personally. I think you may be important."  
"Are his parents there?"  
"His parents are on vacation and cannot make it in less than a week. You're the only other contact."  
 _So no Alex, huh?_ Dan thought smugly.  
Eventually, after what seemed like forever, Dan's cab pulled into the parking lot of St. Mercy's. And Dan ran into the lobby.  
"Phil Lester?!" Dan practically shouted at the secretary. He jumped at first, but then started typing into his computer.  
"Room 361, floor 8. Take a pass." He handed Dan a pass, who grabbed it and ran to the nearest elevator.  
The rest was a blur. He speedwalked past each number until he finally reached it. Room 361. Dan was about to push open the door when he froze. What if Phil was sick? What if Phil was looking for his parents? What if he was disappointed to find Dan walking through the door, instead of his Mum or Dad?  
There was only one way to find out.  
Dan pushed open the door and saw a very pale Phil, who's hair had grown to it's 2009 length, and who looked quite skinnier that he had before.  
Their eyes met, and at first Dan thought Phil didn't recognize him. Then his face broke into a grin.  
"Dan!" Phil held out his arms, and you better believe Dan ran to him. He wrapped his arms around Phil's waist and shamelessly buried his face in his shoulder. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's neck and giggled, hugging him tightly.  
"I missed you, Phil." Dan muttered into the boys neck.  
"I missed you too. Although, it was kinda like sleeping. I was freaked out when they told me. I started crying, I'm glad I stopped. How long was I out?"  
Dan pulled away and looked at Phil's face. Phil, who he had kept one of the biggest secrets he had from until he had slipped into a fucking coma. Phil, who had pulled Dan from his depression back in 2009. Phil, who had captured Dan's heart from the moment he had appeared on Dan's screen.  
"Uhm.. One year, seven months..." Dan muttered. Phil's face fell.  
"Are you-... Are you kidding? It's not funny, Dan.."  
"I-I'm being serious, Phil. One year, seven months."  
Phil looked up at him sorrowly.  
"I-I missed a whole year?"  
Dan looked at the floor and nodded. He hated seeing Phil like this.  
"So... I'm twenty-nine?"  
Dan shrugged. "I-If you want to be..."  
They stared at each other a moment.  
"So... What have you been up to."  
Oh god.  
What has Dan been up to?  
He had literally just started actually moving a couple weeks ago.  
He hardly ever went outside.  
The only thing that was going good with him was his YouTube.  
"Hello? Earth to Dan?" Phil giggled at him. Oh how Dan missed that.  
"W-What? Oh, uh. You know.. The usual.."  
"Oh." Phil looked slightly disappointed.  
"Yeah..."  
Awkwardness filled the air.

 **-Tootsie**


End file.
